The Bachelorette: 1 Barbie + 12 Kens

Heidi

Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions…

It’s week three of Charity’s journey as The Bachelorette and this time we are headed down the 5 to San Diego (just like everyone who goes on this show ends up doing after they realize living in Nashville is a nightmare).

Speaking of nightmares, I was in Disneyland with my kids last week so I skipped the episode two recap. I did manage to watch it while hiding under the covers in our hotel room though. Here’s what you missed:

Brayden wears scarves and dangly earrings like he’s doing Tom Sandoval cosplay. Relatedly, it turns out that he’s insufferable.

Adrian is 33-years-old, a single dad, and a tattletale. He does not like when everyone has fun in the mansion without Charity and he’s absolutely going to tell her about it.
Joey and Charity beat Sean Lowe and Lesley Murphy’s longest kiss world record on a group date. Also, Joey has a gay dad so he’s definitely going to hometowns.
The rest of the mean wore neon speedos on the beach for an aggressive game of dodgeball. A “not in front Yosef’s daughter” reference was made, much to my amusement.

Five men were sent home by the end of the episode which means only 14 remain.

That’s pretty much it. Why do I spend so much time writing about this show?

(Because I love it.)

The Bachelorette has a budget again

Episode three opened with Charity arriving at the mansion to tell her reverse harem they’re headed to Oceanside, CA. At least half of these dudes live in San Diego already, so this wasn’t a big win but every season has to start somewhere.

It may as well be someplace where it’s appropriate to see most of them shirtless.

For thirteen of the mean that meant a 2-hour bus ride south. For Brayden and Charity it meant a helicopter ride to Petco Park for the first one-on-one date of the week.

Brayden was hyped, partially because he’s an SD local and a Padres fan, but mostly because he is a 24-year-old manchild who is easily excitable.

They had a fun date if you’re into watching a f*ckboy live out his MLB fantasies, and Charity is. She really really is.

I’m finally understanding how she ended up on this show.

As the hearts began to gleam in Charity’s eyes you could almost see the panic settle into Brayden’s. This man is not ready for a relationship.

No, I mean he’s really not. She asked him straight up if he was ready and he was like “IDK, probably not, but you’re worth trying for.”

Charity was like every delulu girl you know saying, “He didn’t give the perfect answer, but at least he was honest!” and gave him the date rose.

At this point, she deserves whatever shenanigans he gets up to.

1 Barbie + 12 Kens

The next day, Charity and 12 men (everyone except Brayden and Warwick) met The Bachelorette successes JoJo Fletcher and Jordan Rogers for a Barbie movie themed date.

Thank god they skipped on the Oppenheimer cross-promotion.

Each of the men dressed up as different Kens (rollerblading Ken, Cowboy Ken, Glitter Ken, Ice Skating Ken, Birthday Suit Ken, etc.) and performed a song they wrote to the tune of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

In the end, the Ken who had performed the best would win alone time at sunset with Charity.

It was just as bad as you’re imagining which means it was everything I’ve ever needed.

Double Denim Ken, aka Jordan Kimball lookalike, Sean, won for the day. His song was objectively worse than everyone else’s but he did kiss Charity at the end and apparently, the crowd loved it.

They walked off into the sunset to talk and kiss some more.

I spent the whole scene trying to figure out Charity’s type. She has a 6’6″ biochemist who knits in Xavier just sitting there waiting for her and she’s off making out with one of the Birkin boyfriends.

Someone explain it to me.

After the party there’s an after party

By the time the men had changed out of their costumes for the after party they were furious that Sean had won the extra time with her. Aaron S. the firefighter from San Diego was like, “If she wants a boy then okay, but I’m a man!” as if that’s not a red flag.

Sean walked in to join the men with an extra pep in his step and I thought they were going to knife him. Then he “stole” Charity away as soon as she arrived and I started checking their hands for shivs they’d carved from the furniture.

Meanwhile, Charity was off building a real connection with Dotun. Apparently all it takes is some time away from the pretty white boys and Charity finally sees a “soul connection” with Dotun who spoke to her with such care and purpose that it made her cry. He told her that she is becoming his ideal woman with such sincerity that I actually believed him. He received the date rose.

Maybe there’s hope for Charity yet.

Warwick who?

All of the other men in the house were shocked when Warwick (27, Nashville) got the last one-on-one date of the week. At first, I couldn’t understand why. The man has cheekbones sharp enough for Brayden to turn into earrings. Anyone with eyes can see his appeal.

Then it turned out that he couldn’t string three words together to form a sentence and it all made sense. At least he’s pretty.

Charity was using every minute of her training as a therapist to get through to him. At one point she asked what his weakness is in relationships and he was like, “ummmmmmm…communication???” and she was like, “No shit, Sherlock.”

Anyway, she sent him home and he said, “Okay” with a little shrug before falling asleep in the SUV of shame on the way home.

Forget everything I just said. Warwick is a vibe.

Cocktail Party

While Charity was ~~talking to a wall~~ on her date with Warwick, Brayden was back at the hotel running his mouth. He was telling anyone who would listen that he can’t really picture himself getting engaged to someone who had been simultaneously dating 20 of his friends.

This is a completely sane and realistic thing to expect from your romantic partner in literally any setting other than The Bachelorette.

Drink the Kool-aid or we’re kicking you out of the Bachelor cult, Brayden.

Everyone else listening figured he’d bury himself on his own at some point in the near future, but Aaron B. went balls to the wall with a full “I’m a protector. MUST. TELL. CHARITY. EVERYTHING.” game plan.

He told her everything Brayden had said which obviously set her off and caused the rest of the cocktail party to come to an early end.

That meant most of the men at the cocktail party never even spoke to Charity. Guess who wasn’t happy with that?

Now if Aaron B.’s plan worked and Charity dumped Brayden it would have all been worth it. But this is Charity we’re talking about. She sees Brayden’s tiny mustache and dangly earrings circa 2006 and gets turned on. Her instincts can not be trusted.