The Bachelor Finale Went Completely Off the Rails

Happy The Bachelor finale week to everyone except Peter Weber, Hannah Ann and Madison!

Let’s face it, the only people having a worse week than those three are the ones stuck in self-quarantine. Hold on, now that I think about it, being a contestant on The Bachelor is a lot like being quarantined on a cruise ship after being exposed to the corona virus. You’re not allowed to leave, the food sucks, and you’re so deprived of human contact that even an indecisive pilot seems hot.

Skip to Night Two of The Bachelor Finale

Barb, Peter, Jack and Bud

Hold onto your didgeridoos, Peter’s family is in the Australian Outback to meet their potential next convert family member and they are excited. Actually, classifying them as “excited” is underselling it. Peter Sr. and brother Jack may be excited. Barb looked like she had the Social Security Office paperwork ready to change Hannah Ann or Madison’s last names hidden in her pocket.

Peter – who is apparently called Bud by his family, thanks for ruining my chance to use that joke all season, producers – gave them a quick rundown of his final two. Hannah Ann received his first impression rose, has told him that she’s in love with him, and has a personality “just like” Peter’s. A female Peter who is a model? Barb and Peter Sr. are sold. On the other hand, Madison had the first date at their vow renewal, hasn’t said she’s in love, and threatened to leave when Peter banged someone(s) else in the fantasy suites. Nice one, Pilot Pete. It didn’t matter that he begged them not to judge Madison because he fell in love with her first; you don’t mess with baby Bud on Barb’s watch.

Hannah Ann Nails It

Hannah Ann arrived to her audition for Daughter-in-Law 1 in a sweet yellow floral dress with porcelain doll like curled hair and a perfect plan. Win over the parents and you’ll win Peter. She did her homework, people. All she had to do was tell them how proud she is to love their son, squeeze out a couple of tears and declare that she is taking this all very seriously. Game over. By the end of their time with Hannah Ann, Barb was comparing her and Peter’s 6 week long relationship on a reality TV dating show to her own 30 year marriage. Well done, Hannah Ann. I’d say you deserve him in the end, but I’m not sure that’s a great prize.

Madison is Still Fighting

Madison, like, arrived to her Weber family meeting with, like, tears in her eyes and, like, lips that refused to kiss Peter. They really, like, needed that one-on-one time in the fantasy suite to, like, work out their issues. Instead they got, like, 20 minutes on a bench with, like, cameras in their face, for which, like, I’m grateful.

I was trying to give you the, like, atmosphere for a serious conversation with Madison, but I can’t take it anymore.

Madison told Peter that she has never asked anything from him. Other than, you know,  asking him not to hook-up with anyone else in the fantasy suites. So, when he did anyway, she felt completely betrayed. Yeah, we know, you said that three weeks ago, why are you still here then? Peter finally stuck up for himself and said that while that’s true, and he’s apologetic, she’s the only one who has never told him how she feels.

Madison hid behind her fingers like an adult who is totally ready for marriage and told him that love has never been their issue. Just, you know, everything else is. This was like catnip to Peter. He put his scarred forehead against hers, reminded her that she’s a fighter and begged her to meet him halfway. She admitted that she’s in love with him, but the other big stuff (religion, family, personal values, lifestyle, basically everything that forms a lasting relationship) is still an issue. Of course Peter heard the “I love you” and stopped listening with a big stupid grin on his face.

Peter and Madison are every relationship you’ve ever had in your twenties that didn’t work out. Being in love is great, but fighting for it every step of the way gets really old. Especially once you’re 35 and daylight savings turns your kids into monsters overnight. Sometimes love is supposed to be easy.

Madison Meets the Webers

By the time Madison and Peter walk into meet his family, the game was already over. Madison is so far behind she’s being lapped by Hannah Ann doing cartwheels and the renegade dance from TikTok. It’s a blow-out.

First, Peter Sr. asked what exactly was the “roadblock” in their relationship. Sure, Pete Sr., make the poor 23 year-old woman tell her boyfriend’s parents that he had sex with other women last week. Then, she sat down with Barb who told her that Peter’s lifestyle is too different from hers. He isn’t religious, he’s “spiritual” and he likes to bang. I may have paraphrased a bit. Jack, Peter’s younger brother, told Peter that he shouldn’t compromise who he is, which is apparently a line-dancing pilot who f***s a lot. He had me until he mentioned the line-dancing. She could do better.

Barb Goes Off

I (and everyone else with two eyes and a lick of common sense) have been saying all season long that Peter is easily manipulated by tears. Now we know why. It’s his mom.

Barb sat down with him and started sobbing about how Madison is not for him. But just in case that wasn’t a strong enough argument, she threw in that she prayed and asked God to show himself to Peter. A little aggressive, but we all have our things. What’s that? Oh, she also thinks thinks God already answered her prayer by providing Hannah Ann like a lamb in the thicket. It was exactly as crazy as it sounds.

Barb can’t take credit for all the crazy since Peter Sr. and Jack both confirmed that they also think Hannah Ann is an “angel on Earth.” I guess that makes Madison the Bachelor finale version of Forky in Toy Story 4. “I’m trash!” Then the moment we have all been waiting for happened. Peter’s mom started begging for Peter to bring Hannah Ann home to them. Not unlike she would for a puppy he found on the street.

You could have offered me a free pass with Tyler Cameron and I still wouldn’t have guessed it was Hannah Ann that she was crying about.

The only thing this big, fat, shriek, (almost) wedding was good for was finally seeing Peter’s backbone. He stood up to his mom and told her she had to stop putting that pressure on him. You’re a real boy, Peter!

Madison + Peter

Madison and Peter’s final date of the season was a helicopter ride through the Australian outback. It was a picturesque location to dump a dude. The writing has been on the wall for weeks, but the conversations with his family really cinched it. Madison knew that she and Peter didn’t have a future together. They’re just too incompatible. Their good-bye got all the tears, longing looks, and lingering handholds that we could hope for. Of course, it’s The Bachelor finale so it was also punctuated with swinging arms because of an abundance of gnats. No, not his family again, actual gnats flying through the air. If that’s not a metaphor for their relationship I don’t know what is.

Hannah Ann + Peter

Sorry for your heartbreak, Peter but this is The Bachelor finale so, dry those tears and start holding some baby kangaroos with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann is easy going, she doesn’t put any pressure of Peter, and she doesn’t ask him for anything. Which, for someone like Peter who craves drama like it’s his lifeblood, is a red flag. Don’t worry though, Hannah Ann, Barb is on your side and Peter needs her to do his laundry, so you’re golden.

All signs were pointing to Peter coasting his way into a half-hearted engagement to Hannah Ann. But suddenly she developed the first vestiges of personal agency. She has no idea that Madison is gone, but she does realize that something seems off with Peter. For someone who is supposed to be getting engaged the very next day that isn’t super reassuring. She told Peter that she wants someone to be just as certain of their decision as she is of hers. Hold up, is Hannah Ann going to leave this show too?

Please, make it true.

The Bachelor Finale Night Two

The Bachelor finale is a never ending hell-scape of gorgeous millennials making poor decisions, so let’s dive in to night two!

The second night opened with a version of Peter who woke up and decided he’s “choosing Hannah Ann because I’m 100% certain.” Did Delta check this guy’s transcripts before hiring him? I’m concerned about his math skills. Who cares, Neil Lane flew all the way to Australia and Peter called Ranger Rick for his blessing – the least he could do is pick out a giant pear shaped diamond and half-heartedly propose to a 23 year-old model who has never been in love before.

He owes us and we are scared of Barb.

Get to the Good Stuff

Do you remember the big news they teased us with since the beginning of the season? You know, the scene where Chris arrives in an ill-fitting suit to tell Peter a secret? Over the months we’ve hypothesized that it was Hannah Brown coming back to fight for him. Or maybe even Madison with regrets. You know, the most dramatic season ever™ sort of stuff.

Yeah it sucked. When will we learn?

All Chris said was that Hannah Ann wasn’t sure she was going to show up to the proposal. Yes, girl, this is what we are talking about! Do it for America!

We should know better. After giving Peter a quick panic attack, Hannah Ann came stumbling down a dirt path in a bridal gown to face her doom future as a pilot’s fiancé.

Peter Proposes

Before we could say, “Run for your life, Hannah Ann!” Peter was standing on the infamous wooden platform surrounded by more potted plants than a Home Depot garden center. The entire season has been leading to this moment. Surely he’s going to at least give us a good proposal, right?

Wrong. I don’t know what I expected from Bud at this point, but it wasn’t to bring up his ex-girlfriend mid-proposal.

Yes, Peter was in the process of telling Hannah Ann that she’s the only one left to pick one for him when he brought up that Madison went home two days ago. Then he told her that he’s in love with her and proposed. All while Hannah Ann stood in complete shock and tried to look happy. Her mouth said, “I get to love you forever? This is amazing.” But her face said, “All I wanted was Instagram followers and a spot on the original cast of Bachelor in Paradise.”

Here Comes Barb

Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, Peter took sick pleasure in torturing his parents with his news. Barb held Peter Sr. and brother Jack’s hands like she was waiting for a surgeon to arrive to and tell her that Peter had died on the operating table. Only the operating table was an engagement and the death was giving baby Bud to Madison. There is only one outcome Barb was going to accept and it’s the one she got.

Legit, when he told her that he was engaged to Hannah Ann, Barb started sobbing and begging for him to show her “their daughter.” Then all four of them proceeded to shout “We love you! You’re our daughter!” at a startled Hannah Ann over Facetime. Have you ever seen a toddler hold a kitten? It was like that.

What is Happening

One month later, a sullen Hannah Ann arrived in Los Angeles for one of the secret happy-couple weekends with Peter. Only, they’re not so happy. In fact, they’re miserable. So miserable that Peter ended their engagement.

Can I please speak to a manager about getting a refund for the past several months of my life?

Hannah Ann did not pull punches. This wasn’t the 23 year-old woman everyone accused of being childish and immature this season. Instead, standing in front of Peter with her engagement ring in her hand was an articulate, furious and justified woman. She tore him up one side and down the other while keeping her cool and looking like a goddess.

We have no choice but to stan.

You know who else is still a Hannah Ann stan? Barb. While Hannah Ann told Peter that she “needs someone who is true to their words and isn’t torn and conflicted 90% of the time,” had a live feed of Barb’s reaction in the corner of the screen. And she was living for it. I have every reason to believe she changed the locks and kicked Peter out of the house, because when Hannah Ann said, “If you want to be with a woman, you need to be a real man.” BARB CLAPPED. His own mother clapped. I do not want to be at their next line dancing party

Madison, Again

With Peter single and ready to mingle and an entire season of The Bachelor in tatters, Chris Harrison flew to Alabama to see if Madison was still in love with Peter. She told him that she has been so heartbroken that she hasn’t eaten or slept and that of course she is still in love with him. That’s when Peter decided to break the news that Peter got engaged and then disengaged in the past month or so. Nothing screams husband material like that news, so Madison got in a plane and flew to Los Angeles.

Barb’s eyes almost rolled out of her head.

Things Just Kept Getting Worse

Supposedly Peter and Madison haven’t seen each other in person since a single meeting in LA several months ago, so their reunion in front of the live audience should have been spectacular. More like spectacularly bad. Madison and Peter are in love, or whatever, but they have no commitment, and don’t end up with one by the end of the episode. Whatever, they’re both pretty and terrible for each other, but they’re young and will figure it out. Season over.

Just kidding, did you forget that Barb was in the live audience? She dragged Madison like a dog telling her that she was wrong for her son, rude in Australia, and generally gave a horrifying glimpse of what she’ll be like as a mother-in-law. This woman had the audacity to sit there and tell America and Madison that all of Peter’s friends and family members don’t like her. Peter begged her to stop and pleaded for her to trust him. Sorry, Bud. It’s Barb’s season of The Bachelor now.

I can’t believe it’s finally over. Peter’s season of The Bachelor is complete and we can finally move on to Clare Crawley as our Bachelorette. I have to say that I’m pretty proud of myself for putting Madison in my final two way back when gave the cast unsolicated advice but I STILL didn’t win our fantasy league (congrats, Bea!). In the meantime a new music/dating competition The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart premieres in April. I swear they’re trying to kill me. Let’s talk in the comments about how much Barb sucks!

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