Hello parents and caretakers of elementary age students. I know nothing about this impending school year is how we imagined it would be. Some of you will be teaching your kids from home. Others will be sending your kids into classrooms or daycares. All of us will be nervous that we’re somehow messing up the entire trajectory of our children’s lives. However, there’s one thing that remains the same even in the midst of all the chaos.
Back to school shopping.
First things first, forget buying new shoes and clothes. My kids haven’t put on an actual outfit since March anyway. Instead it’s time to focus our efforts on those glistening aisles of school supplies.
Here’s the definitive list of school supplies every elementary age student needs in 2020.
- Pencils and approximately 35 plastic pencil sharpeners that will be jammed with cheap lead after one use.
- Headphones with a mic attached so the entire fourth grade can’t hear you crying in the background during distance learning while they’re trying to learn fractions.
- Glue sticks that you’ll end up replacing with liquid glue because glue sticks don’t actually work.
- Haha, did you think you had liquid glue somewhere in your house already? How quickly you forget the slime experiments of 2018.
- Paper. No, not that paper, that paper was torn into confetti for a Barbie wedding. More paper.
- Permanent markers.
- Rubbing alcohol to remove permanent marker stains from furniture.
- Crayons, markers, and color pencils. Buy double because in two weeks every single shade of red will have mysteriously disappeared.
- If your child will be learning in-person, please provide 70 bajillion face masks that they’ll lose before first recess.
- If your child will be distance learning, please increase your internet bandwidth to handle approximately 30 devices being ignored at the same time, per student.
- More paper.
- Folders in very specific colors. Don’t ask me why, no one knows.
- Blunt tip scissors that do not under any circumstances actually cut anything.
- Clorox wipes and hand sanitizer.
- If they’re sold out, please consider updating your health insurance policy.
- Expo markers and a dry erase board.
- A second dry erase board for when they mix up the expo markers and permanent markers.
- More rubbing alcohol.
- Actual alcohol.
- Family therapy.
That’s about it! Have a great year everyone. Please feel free to leave a comment of any supply you think this list is missing and don’t forget to thank a teacher.
Heidi is currently obsessed with watching people make bad decisions on TV, being a coastal elite, artificially avoiding any sign of aging, reading feminist romance novels, and getting the biggest laugh at her own expense. She has a husband, 3 kids, a dog and anxiety.