I have been around for forty years. This is the worst moment that I can remember in living history. So in the spirit of things being totally unknown and terrifying, I’d like to remind everyone of the time I stepped out in the great unknown and decided to lift a shaky hand to a rusty doorknob in fear. What’s behind that creaky door? That uncharted, unruly and feral wilderness known as Kindle Unlimited.
Braving the Great Unknown
That’s right. Kindle Unlimited. The graveyard where self-published Brony Fanfics go to decay. The boneyard that houses the non-sensical, dystopian ramblings of the aspiring comic book writer who currently has no time for his passion because he’s working on his MFA in English. That junkyard where your cousin’s neighbor, Sheila, published several dozen copies of her regency-era Magic Mike self-insert, Vaunted Valet.
When I say that Kindle Unlimited is a weird place, I mean it. From what I can tell on my not-so-extensive browse, these books harbor some serious weirdness. Willy Wonka level weirdness. I would not be at all surprised if there was some Oompa-Loompa themed romance novels in there somewhere.
What I’m saying is: I’m scared of Kindle Unlimited. My impression has always been that no one really knows what goes on over there. It’s the secondary recess area (we can’t legally call it a playground) with just a dirt patch, a rusty set of monkey bars and a de-nuded soccer ball that the part time science teacher “watches” with her “good eye.” It’s the storage closet on the 5th floor that only the ancient building maintenance guy has a key to. It’s creepy, is what I’m saying. Weird stuff goes down in the KU.
But consider me the Jamie Lee Curtis of this horror show because I trepidatiously swung that door open and poked around at the detritus on the other side and lived to tell you the tale. And I have spoils.
Amid all of that are also some truly great books (I guess), books that best-selling authors want more people to see for free (I assume) and some definite diamonds in the rough (I hope). What was I looking for when I went dumpster-diving*? FREE OBSESSIVE READS. And I found some. OH I FOUND SOME.
*Yes, I know you can read 1984 and Harry Potter and The Handmaid’s Tale on KU. It’s a wonderful place full of FREE BOOKS, even important ones. It’s also full of crazy ass romance sagas and that’s what I’m here for.
Kindle Unlimited in My Heart
I have spent SO MUCH TIME reading nothing but the series I found on KU. And not just for this post. Because I was WAY INTO IT.
ICE PLANET BARBARIANS ON KINDLE UNLIMITED HAPPENED TO ME.
That’s right, Ice Planet Barbarians. I have been non-stop reading this series. It has taken hold of me with its terrible covers and its tropes and it’s all I can think about. I need more Ice Planet Barbarians every day.
So what is it? It’s a sci-fi romance series by Ruby Dixon. Each book is about a new couple in the world. I’ve read all of them, and they are all excellent. (They are all very similar, but I do not care about this. I only care that there are more Ice Planet Barbarians to sate me. Thankfully, I think there are like 20 books. WAIT … what am I going to do tomorrow when I’ve finished them all???)
Here’s the low-down. A group of women are abducted by bad, ugly not at all hot aliens and taken away from earth. They crash land on a very frozen planet, and these hideous, mean and gross aliens abandon the women and leave to go get another ship or they die in the crash. The women are left alone on a frozen planet to die, basically. So in their attempt to live, they explore the planet and come into contact with another alien species: ones that don’t want to sell them as pleasure slaves to some far distant galaxy. Oh no. These aliens are honorable AND hot AND primitive enough not to know how to leave the planet ever. TRIFECTA!
I mentioned this, but they are hot. Over 6 feet tall, all of them (but not over 7 feet, because that would be unrealistic). They are blue-skinned (shades of cerulean, my friends – from periwinkle to indigo). They have curling ram horns (never goat). They have black hair that each one wears slightly differently (I’m partial to the shaved sides and the long braid down the back). They have plated ridges along the more exposed parts of their already rock-hard bodies (chest, forehead, arms, thighs and … you guessed it). They have a couple of fangs that are also not at all intrusive (just adorable). They have one less digit than humans do (this causes great consternation). They have whip-like tails with tufts of black hair on the end (rawr, Simba). They have … get this … no, I’m not going to tell you. You need to be surprised by this yourself.
But here’s the best thing about the aliens (called sa-khui): they have this little parasite inside them that allows them to breathe the slightly toxic atmosphere of the Ice Planet (yep, planet is FROZE AF). This is called a khui, and it hums or resonates when the male of a species comes into contact with his perfect mate. This causes like arousal avalanche in both parties and basically makes them sex machines determined to procreate to propagate the species. Or the brand spanking new inter-species they are going to definitely make with these humans.
This resonating is important to the plot of each novel of course. Some resonate right away and the humans have to figure out why they have a protective giant blue alien all over them. The alien race itself is dying out. There are only like 30 of them, and only 4 females total. That’s a lot of hard-up dudes and not enough women to make new babies. Aliens get lonely too. So a cache of 22-year-old chicks dropping down on their planet – even ones without tails or strong teeth – is a cause for jubilation. And much male posturing.
Here’s the deal though: these aliens never take a woman without her permission. They aren’t selfish. They love unconditionally. They have never seen a human female before so they have ZERO hangups about modern standards of beauty. They mate for life. And … oh yeah … THEY LOVE GOING DOWN. Seriously, they are meat eaters, AND they also like cunnilingus. Every single one of these dudes is happiest in his lady’s business. All any of them has ever wanted is a mate, and they take it seriously.
It makes for a really wonderful little romance series: there are the natural dangers of the world they live on. The aliens who brought the women there pose a threat of return. The women from the earliest books start having half human babies and that’s crazy. But every single book is guaranteed a happy ending and hot time in between. It’s super fun. I’m addicted.
So … ignore the blue skinned horror show of the covers of these books and go forth and enjoy a Quarantine and Read. Spend the next several days losing yourself in some free crazy alien sex.
Ruby Dixon‘s Ice Planet series has an expanded universe: IceHome, Corsairs and Fireblood Dragons are ALSO all on Kindle Unlimited and are ALSO hot and are ALSO connected to the IcePlanet series. It’s never-ending hot alien tape-worm erotica, y’all.
What’s Behind *THAT* Door?
But now I’m curious … what other gems have I missed out on? What else is lurking in the murky garbage waters of the Kindle Unlimited store that I’ve never given the time to peruse? Are there even better alien barbarians out there? Have you been reading about shape-shifting dinosaur hunters and NOT TOLD ME????? Give me all your Kindle Unlimited Goodness. I needs it.
Tell us your favorite Kindle Unlimited stories.
A version of this post first appeared on That’s Normal in October 2017.
Beth is the proud sponsor of two little women and a huge fan of fandom. She took 3 years of Latin in high school and now speaks fluent pretension, which fully explains her current preference for gay wizard regency novels. She will roll over for a giant book with a map in the front. She takes comic book recommendations every day but Wednesday and TV recommendations never (she knows what's good).