Like Her Soul, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Hair Is Trash

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Amy

Amy takes pride in being a grumpy optimist. Want to…

First point on Congressional Representative-QAnon-nutter Marjorie Taylor Greene: we are no longer calling her Marjorie Taylor Greene. Thanks to the suggestion of New York magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi, she is now Marge Green.

While we’re complaining about Marjorie Taylor Greene for substantive reasons, I’d also like to complain about her silly name. It’s time consuming to type. An acronym implies a level of legitimacy I don’t want to grant her. A compromise? In my opinion, her name is now Marge Green.

— Olivia Nuzzi (@Olivianuzzi) January 29, 2021

Marge sounds like the name of someone who sucks. And before the decent Marges of the world freak out . . . .

I’m an Amy, and the most popular one of my kind is the sociopath/murderer from Gone Girl. The second most popular Amy is the sign-language gorilla from Michael Crichton’s Congo. I’m sure we are moments away from an Amy harassing a survivor of a mass school shooting.

This Marge needs to get right with her God and be a better human, because right now, she is on a path to becoming a Josef Kramer. Who is Josef Kramer? He’s the first name I saw when I googled “worst Nazis.”

I asked my step-daughter to describe Marge in three words, and she said “vile excuse for a woman.” Since one of those words is an article, and the other is a preposition, I will accept.

Marge needs to be expelled in disgrace from Congress and de-programmed from the cult of Q, two things that are unlikely to happen because this country — like her brain — is broken. And since I can’t fix her soul, there is something I would like to fix: her hair. It’s a travesty, and if I am going to have keep looking at her, the least she can do is give me something better to look at.

I am not dogging her on a physical feature Marge is unable to address. I, too, am a white woman with fine hair that I bleach, so this advice comes from a place of knowing. Jesus can’t fix it, but a stylist who doesn’t hate you should be able to. And there have to be ghouls-cum-stylists out there, because Ivanka Trump is not getting that color from a box of L’Oreal Feria.

My Hair Advice for Marge:

Cut of the stringy ends and get a long blunt bob. Between split ends and a stylist who went overboard on layering, your hair looks likes seaweed dried on the sands of Myrtle Beach. Search Southern Charm’s Kathyrn Dennis’ Insta for inspiration.

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Strengthen your hair with a good shampoo like Aveda damage ready. I’m sure you have read Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. Now read my book, Girl, Wash You Hair with Expensive Repair Shampoo and Stop Buying Beauty Products from MLMs.

Put on on some styling lotion that protects your locks from heat. We all saw you in that wannabe Kayleigh McEnany-Bachelorette-beach curl when you were ~~speechifying~~ lying on the House flour about the election being stolen. Someone should steal your curling iron until you make some life changes.

Get one of those curling brushes with the built-in hair dryer, for a quick and easy blow out. You have the privilege of going to work every day because, like Representative Cori Bush says, being a Congressman is a Jay Oh Bee JOB. It is very much client facing, so do your hair like you care to be there.

Figure out how DC water is different than Georgia water, and adjust your products accordingly. Water varies geography to geography. Maybe Q has a spreadsheet he can share on specific metals in the DC water. Hard water could be great for lizard skin, but you might need to move to a lighter volume mousse when Congress is in session.

Buy some dry shampoo and learn how to braid. There are going to be some days that you don’t have time or the energy to do your hair, because I’m sure being hateful while carrying a giant assault weapon is exhausting. Not Your Mother’s Clean Freak paired with a French braid can work in a pinch. Fold those tresses and think of Marine Le Pen. YouTube is a treasure trove of teaching yourself how to braid, and since you aren’t reading books, you have plenty of time to practice.